Tolkien in Three minutes!
by RamenKitty
Summary: From the Second Age-to the "Return of the King." Tolkien with the funny bits left in. Please Read and Review-for cookies! :)


From the person who brought you " The Lord of the Mall" comes…

TOLKIEN IN THREE MINUTES OR LESS!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything I profess to own, I am not here, we are not here, you are not here, you aren't reading this- *gasps * you aren't! You cheese-wad! 

For your pleasure Tolkien will be in SCRIPT FORMAT

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* Cue big music* 

THE FIRST AGE! 

The beginning of all things. 

Illuvatar- okay people, lets pick it up from the top! * Sings in high voice* and a one two three-

Collective Valar- Hold out your hands, stick out your tush-

Illuvatar- this is the last time I turn to Mel brooks for casting ideas

(Melkor appears looking like Snidely Whiplash from Dudley do right)

Melkor- *begins singing a Metallica song *

Illuvatar- what? Okay, somebody's off tempo here-

Melkor- *laughs evilly * 

Illuvatar- Darn it! I was TRY-ING to create a world similar to the one in Wizard of OZ-

* The Collective Valar shudder * 

Illuvatar- and now I've got something that looks vaguely like Payton place meets Steven King in Fantasy mode! Thanks a lot! *Stalks away *

Melkor- * proceeds to tie the Valar collective to a proverbial railroad track. * 

Illuvatar- just what in…what in…wait, I haven't created a Hell yet.  Oh well, what do you think you're doing? 

Melkor- I wanted in on the production deal Tolkien! You let that Bearded Australian guy in on it and I wanted a piece of the action!

Illuvatar- * looks blank * What Australian guy?

- Silence -

Melkor-never mind, I'll be good if I get a cut of the merchandise.

Illuvatar- deal! Now I need to go off and figure out some people to inhabit my world…

* Illuvatar wanders off and Melkor grumbles *

Melkor- *unties the Valar Collective who now has individual personalities. * Lets go and find some fun! 

THE CHILDREN OF ILLUVATAR 

Illuvatar, meanwhile, is playing with dolls. 

Illuvatar as Doll one: Oh! Aragorn you're so MANLY!

Doll two: Yes, I know, I know-

Doll one: Marry me!

Doll two: Wait until the end of the third book dearest, the end of the third book-

- Melkor comes knocking -

Melkor- uh, we were kinda wondering-what are you planning to populate the gigantic dustball you brought us all into being to create FOR YOU! 

Illuvatar- uh…. * thinks * I have made replications of my people!  

* Illuvatar holds out dolls *

Melkor- those look like action figures.

Illuvatar- * coughs * 

Melkor- right! Well let's take them to Ulmo to get born then!

* Ulmo looks like a gigantic furry red monster that is adorable and swimming in a gigantic ocean * 

Illuvatar- Look! * Sets down action figures * Bring them to life!

Ulmo- Okay! Elmo brings things to life-

Illuvatar- that's UL-MO not ELMO 

Ulmo- okay Ulmo brings things to life!

* Illuvatar and Melkor sigh *

* Ulmo sprinkles water on the action figures and they come to life as perfect replicas of Aragorn and Arwen *

Aragorn- urm…

Arwen- uh…

Ulmo- Supreme Pooh-Bah Illuvatar needs to be slightly more creative in that department says Ulmo! Do you want to count to five with Ulmo? *Laughs merrily like a certain red monster *

Illuvatar- right, right

* Illuvatar runs off and returns with a whole armload of action figures *

Illuvatar- I call them my first born, and those after shall be men who must suffer doom but shall be beloved all the same.

Melkor- that looks like another action figure of Aragorn, a couple of Arwen, some spice girls-a couple of Ken dolls, and a… * shudders * Britney Spears action figure! 

Illuvatar- * unleashes wrath * WORK WITH ME HERE! 

Ulmo- by the supreme power of…stuff I pronounce you- ALIVE! 

-The action figures come to life as Elves and humans –

Humans- HOORAY! Let's go build some buildings and stuff!

Elves- meh, this is boring, what next?

Melkor- * to self * note: corrupt humans first- then go for the elves. 

THE DWARFS AND THEIR MAKING

Aule: * bored * I'm BOOOOREEED there's nuffin to do!

Yavanna: so go and squash a few humans or give the elves some vital piece of knowledge that will make them very powerful and able to lord it over humans? 

Aule: Meh, I did that, I want my own little minions

* Yavanna hands Aule a wrapped package *

Yavanna- I was gonna save this for later…

Aule: *rips open package * how to make your own little minions?

Yavanna- *nods * 

Aule- * hugs Yavanna *

Meanwhile, several cups of coffee and candy bars later…

Aule- boy, I dunno if I'm excited because I just spent two proverbial days creating a sentient species, or because I just drank an entire liter of Mountain Dew!  *Continues doodling *

Illuvatar- * appears * BOO!

Aule- Aww crap! 

Illuvatar- Whatcha doing?

Aule- * kid voice * nothing

Illuvatar- doesn't look like nothing; it looks like something big and important. 

Aule: No! * Turns on Nelly's " its getting Hot in here" *

Illuvatar- have you been creating species again?

Aule- no, not after the inflatable sheep

Illuvatar- I see…

Aule- oh okay! I have, I have! I admit it! I'm sorrrryyy! *** Sobs * **

Illuvatar- * is sort of miffed that Aule would do this * well throw these out too, along with the inflatable sheep, the lawyers, the dinosaurs, the Jedi, the movie directors- and all the other species you've come up with.

Aule- * sniffs and moves to trash can *

Voice: Don't kill us…

Illuvatar- they're begging for mercy? Cool!

Aule- Yes… * takes out the minions * I call them dwarfs 

Illuvatar- how fitting, tis better then the lawyers though, they tried to sue you. 

Aule: and the movie directors just kept yelling that it wasn't in the script…especially that Australian guy.

- Silence –

Illuvatar- Right! 

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The BIG SHINY JEWEL THINGY!

Elf- lookie at what I made!

Other elves: YAY! PRETTY JEWELS!

* Big bad guy goes and steals the jewels * 

Elf- * sniffs *

Elves: WAHHHHHHHHH! 

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THE LOVE STORY

Beren- Yo, Elf King, WHASSSUP?

Thranduil- Thank you for doing that…mission for me.

Beren- I wouldn't exactly call going to a grocery store a mission, but cool.

Thranduil- right so, name any reward that you desire.

Beren- uh, your daughter

Thranduil- RIGHT! A Luthien action figure-

Beren- no, your DAUGHTER 

Thranduil- how about NOT!

Beren- okay, what can I do to earn her?

Luthien- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF PROPERTY?

Beren- Hold on a sec-

Thranduil- well, there's one thing that we elves have never gotten over…THE THIEFT OF OUR BIG SHINY JEWELS!

Beren- you mean Silmarillions?

Elves- WAHHHHHHHHH!

Beren- okay, go bring me back one of the jewels. 

Luthien- I'll help.

* Luthien dies *

Beren- Aww crap! * Steals jewel and has his hand eaten by a big wolf. *

Thranduil- Well? Where's the jewel?

Beren- * totally serious * in my hand

Thranduil- where is your hand?

Beren- * silent *

Elves- EEEEWWW 

Beren- now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go be with Luthien

* Dies *

Thranduil- the price of the big shiny jewel…

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THE STUPID ELF GUYS

Stupid Elf guy two: I'm bored!

Stupid Elf guy one: I'm busy making jewelry go away.

Stupid Elf guys three: BUTTERED TOAST!

* Meanwhile, in the depths of grand evil pooh bah HQ * 

Melkor- at last we shall have revenge on the Jedi-

Sauron- you mean elves right?

Melkor- no, I mean Jedi, that story's been stealing wind from us for ages!

Sauron- uh, okay, meanwhile-

Melkor- yes! Go and corrupt the elves my evil one! Go, go, go!

* What leads to the discussion that Sauron was a woman *

- Sauron goes to Middle Earth –

* First he goes to Numenor *

Sauron- hello.

Men- Hi!

Sauron- my name is Sauron

Men- Hi Sauron!

Sauron- Right * corrupts everybody *

Men- LETS PARTY!

Sauron- my work here is done.

* Then he goes and visits the Elves *

Sauron- Hello, my name is Sauron.

Elf guy two: Hi, I'm bored

Elf Guy one: Still busy!

Elf guy three: TOAST!

Sauron- Elf two, you seem the least objective; want to learn some cool magic stuffers? 

Elf guy two: meh, sure.

Sauron- *makes the one ring * now I have control! Total and absolute CONTROL!

* The lights in Sauron's workstation in Mount Doom go out *

Sauron- Aww crap, come on-

Elf guy two: Uh oh, I sense that somebody's making some kind of ruling ring…

Elves- QUICK! HIDE!

Illuvatar- I told you it was a good idea to make action figures into living sentient beings

Ulmo/Elmo- shut up.

And that was TOLKIEN IN THREE MINUTES! Well, actually it was more like five minutes, but we STRIVE to bring you the BEST in entertainment.

Author note: I'd like to say that we've covered some second age events in this-therefore we're going to skip to the third age in the next chapter and move on from there.  So, continuing TOLKIEN FOR DUMMIES…

Disclaimer: I own nuffin cool; people will tell you this, good people, LISTEN TO THEM!  Everything from Elmo to Star wars to LotR-I don't own a thing.  I don't even profess to-I just force my ideas upon a random and unsuspecting public! * evil laugh * aren't public forums great? 


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